somehow in my deisre not to hurt kehb i messed up...and he thought that we were going to get back together soon...he called to see what i was thinking and i had to tell him there was no chance...he cried...and he said he needed to return my waterbottle...friday he asked if he could keep it the rest of the summer...he uses it for work and at home...so i said he could...but tonight he said he'd bring it back...said he had to....couldn't stand to keep it...and so i said ok...but when he came over and i went down to get it...he had everything i'd given him...everything...not just stuff like the bottle which i had said i wanted back when i gave it to him...but pictures...of the two of us...and just me....and the necklace i gave him as part of his graduation gift...and the picture frame and poem type thing i wrote and put over pictures of us to go in it...and every note i had ever given him...and all the stuff he had saved...like reciepts from the roses he bought me..and from when we made dinner for valentines day and the night of Jr/Sr...the map from our arkansas roadtrip....and the 4X6 of our summer ministry team...i know he'll want that back...at least he should...it's not right not fair to kimberly adn josh and faith...it'd hurt them if they knew he had done that...and it hurt me...i am a saver...i keep things..i have a box from each boy i've dated...but htat kehb jsut wants to forget...to block me out...all the good with the bad...that HURTS!...this whole past week now almost i have avoided saying and doing things i wanted to...things that would have made me feel better and made my life easier...but they would have hurt him...so i didnt...and he didnt have the courtesy to do the same!...it was jsut like he was trying to hurt me...and he did...but i dont think he meant to....and so i'm trying sooo hard to not be angry...and i'm trying so hard not to give in to my emotions and call him and say i'm sorry and can't we start over and try again?...it would be so easy...and he'd be so happy and i would hurt so much less...but I know i did the right thing....and so it's good i'm fighting these two urges at the same time...it's almost balancing me out
This has to be some kind of refining process...I trust that God is in control...but sometimes i jsut wanna say "No thanks God....i'll just stay ore if You dont mind terribly...this refining thing hurts too much"...but i want to be refined...i want the imperfections burnt off and the things that keep me from being like Jesus...i want to be pure gold...so that people can see Jesus reflection in me...
God is faithful...He has a plan...His love never ends...I need to remember...can't afford to forget...I'm claiming this hymn:
O spread the tidings 'round, wherever man is found,
Wherever human hearts and human woes abound;
Let ev'ry Christian tongue proclaim the joyful sound:
The Comforter has come!
The Comforter has come, the Comforter has come!
The Holy Ghost from heav'n, the Father's promise giv'n;
O spread the tidings 'round, wherever man is found
The Comforter has come!
The long, long night is past, the morning breaks at last,
And hushed the dreadful wail and fury of the blast,
As o'er the golden hills the day advances fast!
The Comforter has come!
Lo, the great King of kings, with healing in His wings,
To ev'ry captive soul a full deliverance brings;
And through the vacant cells the song of triumph rings;
The Comforter has come!
O boundless love divine! How shall this tongue of mine
To wond'ring mortals tell the matchless grace divine
That I, a child of hell, should in His image shine!
The Comforter has come!
The Comforter Has Come -- Frank Bottome
