For almost a full year now (just short by 2 days) i have written all about my day, my feelings, my dreams...basically poured myself into an e-mail and sent it to Kehb almost nightly. Initially we were frinds and members of the same summer ministry team then we were friends with intrest in each other then we were waiting till the end of the semster with the understanding that we wourld start dating then he was my boyfriend (best i've done so far btw) and now he's my ex boyfriend. and yet, i like writing my day. brings closure. focus. points out things i had forgotten either on purpose or by accident. writing has always helped me think. and so at a time where my life is slightly off kilter i might as well try this web-journal thing. I'm a millenial child full out now...Sunday evening i made plans to e-mail a friend so we can set up a time to chat before he leaves the country for a semester...and now here i am typing my journal where any part of the world that cares can read. and i've always been a big fan of the written word, the solid feel of a book as you flip pages, the way a person's handwriting says so much about them in a letter...does this make me a hippocrite?
i am the princess of procrastination any one who knows me could tell you that, my friends, any of my old my roomates(they werent' always friends...a side, why cant i keep a roomate? this semester will be #4 and i'm only starting my second year! sheesh!), my teachers any of them would tell you...see how well i can put off typing about what i know i need to...i need to type aobut kehb to get it out of my system, and yet i ramble on...
We broke up on Thursday night...well it might have been friday morning...somewhere around midnight...over the phone (does that make me a bad person?) and acutally i did all the breaking up and he did all the asking for "one more chance" knowing all the while he had used up his last chance, and the one after that, and all the extra ones i had given him past that....not to say that he's a bad guy...but we had control issues...namely, both of us trying to control me. All the big things fit perfectly...i really do like him. He is a strong christian, our personalities matched, we like similar things, he played the guitar and talked to God, and played wih the 2&3 year old sunday school calss with me, i cant think of a thing on my list that he isnt. pardon the cliche: we were best friends. it was jsut the little stuff. But really it wasnt' the little stuff that sent me pverthe edge it was a pattern of his getting upset over them and trying to use my emotions to control meit was weird how he managed it though, he never told me what to do directly, he jsut let had a preference and it would hurt him if i were to do something else and if i didn't do what he had hinted at or even jsut expected me to know, he would get upset and his feelings hurt. then i'd get mad at him for being upset over stupid little stuff (like occcasionally wearing a ring a guy-friend brought me from thiland, or that i got the cartilage pierced up top my ear, or when i wanted to go out to lunch with guys from the office, or me going to my sister abi's HS graduation party the weekend of his birthday, or deciding to help a friend rearrange her furniture instead of goign on a walk with him) and we'd fight and he'd acuse me of being thoughtless and i'd apologise and give in. it jsut got to the point whre i couldnt stand living like that anymore...always worrying about what he would think of my decisions and making sure i got places on time and being certain to spend enough time with him. I just saw myslef a few years down the road not being myslef but being who he had decided i was.
My friends and family have told me i decided right but his friends tell him (and he is kind enough to pass the information on to me) that people can change and that all relationships have things to work through and you can make anythign work if you try hard enough. He says he realizes how wrong he was and he sees how good i really was to him, how much i put up with, and he's willing to change, to let me be myself. but i cant take him back. it would feel too much like the pattern that was before, he gets hurt, we argue, he promises to do better, i give in, all i sgood awhile and then it starts over. I know people argue but the pattern of heartache and beating my self up for giving in and not liking myself for hurting him--I jsut cant live like that...I am strong willed and free spirited, i like pretty things and hate pain (any kind: mine, others, physical, emotional) i know it exists. that's life. i'm not so naieve as to think life is perfect. i know otherwise, i've seen ugly and hurt but that doesnt mean i have to like it. and i dont have to subject myself to it!
...am i right?...i' m still in the mourning and self-doubt stage...i jsut need him to let me go...he still calls sometimes and he gave me a letter...5 pages! an apology and request for another chance and a promise to do better...i want to believe him and maybe a loooong time from now i'd try it but not the next week...not the next month...it's hard...i need chocolate icecream!
