I'm OK

i'm ok...yea i'm ok...that rhymes...i'm such a nerd...a tired nerd...who hasnt done her laundry....and should be in bed...but is instead chatting online with Baird...i havent all summer,chatted w/baird that is...

life is flying by me....

it feel s liek it should be friday....and at the same time i have accmplished nothing tangible the last 2 days...i learned a lot though...got to know some new people

Katie, a different one from my roomate, and Cafoose are on campus now...they are woking @ the help desk,,,so i'll get to see them at breakfast tomorrow...adn some of the other meals i guess...i like them both a lot...it'll be fun...i also have liked hanigng out with the sound crew the past days...Really hte only one i knew well was Matt, from working with him this summer, and i gues si knew Jon a bit..but not well...they are all neat people, only one other girl, megan...

today we ran the board in Hughes....I played my trombone...so people coul d try sound checking stuff...it was an odd ensemble...me on trombone, jeremy on acoustic guitar, and Daniel on electric guitar...I did ok after i got over my slef consciousness...the guys told me what chords they were playing and i was able to jsut play some bass line stuff...and one lick i sounded out..."Never underestimate my Jesus"...i had never done anything like that before...made me wish i knew some music theory to have been able to play around more...

I chatted with Kehb tonight...nothing deep..jsut friends type stuff...he went home today for the rest of the week, and asked me to pray for him....i keep being reassured that we'll be ok...i dotn think we'llever be the same close but i'm ok with that....he will talk to me and that's enough for me...wow that sounded despertae or like i still want to be dating him...and i dont...but i valued his friendship before i wanted his kisses....



Sunday is one of my favorite days of the week...it's jsut restful...i made the deicsion to really keep the day...so sundays mean church, lunch a nap and a walk...a bit of quiet time and some free reading...no stress stuff...

i dyed my hair today...Katie gets some credit...she made sure i got it all...i started and she finished..it's very red...very red...i like it....i am very glad about that...since this time i couldnt find the semi-permanent kind i like, so i used permanent...it was very scary!!!... i hadnt dyed my hair since like february...Kehb had commented that as long as he knew me he had never seen my natural hair color, so i stopped dying it...i was such a wuss....I let him convince me to do (or not do in most cases) things i would never have otherwise...sheesh..when will i stop referencing everything to Kehbing...

I hope soon....

Tomorrow starts training...i get up early to set up a sound job...go to breakfst and miss the start of trinign to run the event...and it'll be a borring one!...staff convocation...waht the heck is a convocation anyway?!!

at any rate i need all the sleep i can get tonight...but i'm having too much fun listening to country music


still alive

i['m not quite dead yet...i feel close though...i cant go to bed until kt gets back and tells me what's up with church though....she went to see her nephews...i get to meeththem tomorrow they are 3years and 3 months old...i've seen pictures they are precious

moving was an advbenture we did ok though...kehb and i we online tonight athte same time and chatted a bit...i only feel like crying alittle bit...when i crewl into bed alone it will hit me....the only awkward moments reallywas when i first go thtere and Kehb wasnt expecting me to be ther to help...and at lunch when anna and ben started to hold hands fo rprayer and both reached for ours...and i didnt want to hold hands with kehb...jsut too personal too soon...but i'm not dead...yet....it may be too soon to get rid of the second part of my blog tittle though

another day of moving!

i'm getting sick of this moving thing!...Kaite and i have all our stuff in the dorm now..most of mine is still in the unit...i worked till 800 last night getting ready for next weeks trainign program...after that i didnt really feel like unpacking too much...so i'm still living out f boxes and bags and piles...but today i'm helping anna & ben finish moving to their apartment....and in Gods sense of Humor, Kehb will be helping Ben move the heavy stuff while ihelp anna with the small stuff and the sweeping and last minute moving details...sheesh...but i think it will work out ok...i can handle it...i'm as close to over him as can be expected barely 2 weeks later....really i'm ok though...
i'll have to change the title of my blog soon though...or at least the last part...i'll keep the single princess part...though last night i decided i want to be married...not now...heaven knows i couldnt handle it right this second...but someday...i was feeling lonely last night as i was falling asleep...oddly not for kehb...just for a body...that's a dangerous place to be i know...i'm gonna take some time off the prince search...though i may still keep my eyes open, it wont be an all out search...


Note the SINGLE in the title

My manager is crazy...she had decided that Kehb wasnt the one for me about a month ago...luckily she kept it to herself until I actually broke up with him...and i didnt tell her till wednesday...but now she has decided to help me out a bit...she's suggested 3 boys in 2 days...2 i might not have minded...except one is HAPPILY DATING A GIRL HE SAYS HE WANTS TO MARRY!!...but the third is Emmory...student body president....he's cute as all get out...but not cute like as in HOtt..and i would never date him....he is very much a surface relationship type of person...nto that he's shallow, but he doesnt' take any of his relationships to the next level...nope no boys for me right now...it would make life easier at times...like when katie and i were lofting beds...or mving other furniture...and i like being held too much to say no boys ever...but not right now...

a roomate!!

I got all my stuff out of the apartment last night...and Katie, my roomate, is in Lexington staying at her sisters house...so she came and we moved our funiture...lofted the beds and switched desks out of another room...and the couch from the unit that they had down in the lobby to throw out...we took that and moved it back upstairs....it is too comfy of a couch to throw out....it's ugly, but so are the chairs and couches that they left....so we saved it....I still have a ton of unpacking to do...and Katie's goign to move the whole way in tonight....sheesh...such a mess we have....But at least there's two of us....YEA for roomates...sepecially the kind who like country music!!


moving-a saga

well till i finally got my new room key last night, it was 800...i was a bit frustrated, but when all your bedding and clothes are packed, it's not like you can give in and say, "OK i wont move till the 17th"...at 800 i had already called anna and ben and told them not to bother, so i had to call matt the ARD and ask him to help me carry some of the bigger stuff...i'm not really a wuss, but when things are bigger, or heavier than i am..i know i need to ask for help.

the AC in my apartment has started blowing hot air, my duffle bag is still nowhere to be seen, and my card has stopped working i cant get into my apartment or my dorm or work. So the dean of students let me borrow his. I think he feels bad that i have gotten the run-around with housing this summer...for awhile i wasnt on the "list" so they wouldnt let me into my apartment


i should go to bed

well, i'm mostly packed...it'll do for now...i'm lonely...we, Karen and i, watched "Sweet Home Alabama" and ate ice cream..it was nice...anna and ben will get here to help me move and look at my odd assortment of boxes and bags and just shake their heads...they are normaller and organizeder...those arent words i know....anyway i'll have to finish tomorroww after work...speaking of my odd assortment of boxes and bags, i think someone lifted my big duffle bag from Kresge Storage...I'm mad about that!...i had to pack all my clothes in the box for my computer monitor!!....ok now i"m really goign to bed...i want someone to hold me....:(

nothing better to do

stuck at work for 80 more minutes...i swear!...i'm sound checking 3 tape orders, and archiving, and i still am doing nothing...the archiving is jsut switching tapes every 20-40 minutes...and sound checking means fastforwarding and listening to 3 seconds of the message at random points...well it's supposed to be the beginning middle and end of each side....but i dont care enough to make it an exact science...besides if it recorded at the beginning of the tape, why would it cut out at the end?...at any rate it leaves time to blog, read books on leadership (lifted from the mgr's office...i like to know what tactics authority figures are going to try and use) and check my e-mail repeatedly(i never get anything...especially since i broke up with Kehb...all i get is the word of the day e-mail and a daily devotional thought...oh and a reprimand from Stacy for coming in late)...
but really i dont mind my job too much...it's good experience and better than working at the gas station like in high school....i dunno if i could work in an office forever though...no room for my creativity...well there's some room...just not enough...and people drive me crazy....this guy called earlier and asked a question and if he'd jsut shut up and let me answer him the phone call would have been half as long...but instead he gave me all sorts of useless information...and later another guy called and asked who "the manager of Media Services is these days"...i told him it was Stacy and he said thanks and hung up....and a woman called and asked if Stacy was in and i told her she was in a meeting the afternoon...and she saidthanks and hung up before i could even say "your'e welcome"....I am not made to be a receptionist!!....so now i have ruled out receptionist and teacher...and Thor told me bricklayer was a bad idea jsut because of my size...i never really wanted to lay brick enough to put in the effort to build up my strength enoguh to actually do it....5'4" 105lbs...just barely not underweight...but today for lunch i had chicken nuggets and an eggo waffle...we're cleaning out the freezer since everyone's moving out...the other girls who left already left a lot of food....and yet somehow I lost weight this summer, dont tell my mom...she worries...I've not always been stable and have some control issues...she knows that and i know that....but i leave the worrying to her :)
tomorrow i move into my dorm...i'll miss the apartment...the showers are bigger, the kitchen (even if it is dinky) is nicer...my apartment-mates own the TV...and no one else will be in the dorms till friday evening when the RA's come...i dont mind being alone...but to be the only girl in the whole huge building is going to freak me out!...
I'm not ready to move either...for instance, my laundry is still in the dryer from sunday...and my suitcase isn't really quite unpacked from my trip home 2 weekends ago...I ought have not gone to the film shoot last night...but i'm glad i did even if i didnt get home till 200...i worked sunday evening, so i had a few hours extra this week so i slept in a bit...of course, stacy (the personnel & Media Services office manager) still hasn't come in yet, so we opened late today...oops...nothing ever really happens here anyway...especially at 8 in the morning two weeks before school starts...
i'm not so mad at kehb any more...he took his stuff back...i was a bit rude to him when he called to ask if i needed a ride to church...and i think it snapped him back to reality and out of his own little self-pity world...we had a bit of conversation yesterday...totally normal conversation...i think i'll be ok...i think i did the right thing


still crying...when will it all end?

right after talking to anna to get a ride to church tomnorrow, kevin callled..i'm glad i alreday had a ride..or i might have given in...as it was it was stil hard...sigh...i will be ok...i bawled after i hung up...and called herman...luckily fo rme he was home and also had nothing to do on a saturday evening...it's one of his last to spend with his family before he leaves fo rgermany....he's a good friend...listens well and lets me cry and scream...i'm going to bed now...i accomplished nothing today...except part of my launndry(itis still down in the dryer)...and i ate half a box of swedish fish and drank 2/3 of a gallon of milk...i'd be a real mess if i drank alcohol.....


God will provide

i love my mommy...she called tonight...guess she knew that it'd be hard...she had some quesitons and stuff i needed to deal with...but she called tonight just when i needed it...told me a good story too....Abi, my sister, leaves for college in two weeks...and she and mom were starting to pack some of the stuff she got...right now her room is hunter green and burgandy adn a bit of creamish yellow...but the stuff she got for school is blue...so as they were packing my mom asked her if she was taking her "Husband" (a big pillow with arms)...abi said she was but was disappointed that it was green...she and my mom discussed covering it..too much work...or buying a new one at target or something...but the blue would have been wrong and they were too small...so abi decided she waould just take the green one and be happy...later that day my dad was helping move a piano into the church...a family form church is moving back to india and so are getting rid of a lot of stuff...and after the piano was out, in the back of the pickup was a blue Husband...noone wanted it so my dad took it...he had no clue that my mom and abi had talked about it...my mom got out fo the shower and wehn she walked into her room, there was the perfect blue husband...God had provided....my daddy had no clue what abi needed...but God takes care of his kids....and He will take care of me...i'm trusting him for that...Once I can be happy with what I have, God will provide the perfect husband....i just hope he isnt' navy blue....except maybe his eyes...i like blue eyes

viscious cycle

Breaking up is cruel...just at the time where you most need/want to have all the tension rubbed out of your shoulders and be held and have someone rub your head right in front of your ears till you fall asleep with them holding you...that is the one thing that you can't have...the thing that is causing you to want that in the first place...it's a viscious cycle


im 2/3 of the way done with my hammock...mindless sewing and sitcoms are good for not thinking about stuff...i like new toothbrushes...toothbrushes make your mouth clean.....and you can breathe in through your teeth after you brush them...and your mouth feels all tingly and cool...and they don't remind me of kehb...like everything else seems to...he returned another shirt today...i left it in his laundry when i changed after last time i cut his hair...it smelled like him...and i cried...he thinks i'm over him...either that or he doesnt think... it's been a week now...sigh...Karen asked what i'm going to do tomorrow...friday...i told her i'd sit around here work on editing some video...make a few phone calls...and shower and shave...then realize i wasnt' going out and go to bed early and cry myself to sleep..


somehow in my deisre not to hurt kehb i messed up...and he thought that we were going to get back together soon...he called to see what i was thinking and i had to tell him there was no chance...he cried...and he said he needed to return my waterbottle...friday he asked if he could keep it the rest of the summer...he uses it for work and at home...so i said he could...but tonight he said he'd bring it back...said he had to....couldn't stand to keep it...and so i said ok...but when he came over and i went down to get it...he had everything i'd given him...everything...not just stuff like the bottle which i had said i wanted back when i gave it to him...but pictures...of the two of us...and just me....and the necklace i gave him as part of his graduation gift...and the picture frame and poem type thing i wrote and put over pictures of us to go in it...and every note i had ever given him...and all the stuff he had saved...like reciepts from the roses he bought me..and from when we made dinner for valentines day and the night of Jr/Sr...the map from our arkansas roadtrip....and the 4X6 of our summer ministry team...i know he'll want that back...at least he should...it's not right not fair to kimberly adn josh and faith...it'd hurt them if they knew he had done that...and it hurt me...i am a saver...i keep things..i have a box from each boy i've dated...but htat kehb jsut wants to forget...to block me out...all the good with the bad...that HURTS!...this whole past week now almost i have avoided saying and doing things i wanted to...things that would have made me feel better and made my life easier...but they would have hurt him...so i didnt...and he didnt have the courtesy to do the same!...it was jsut like he was trying to hurt me...and he did...but i dont think he meant to....and so i'm trying sooo hard to not be angry...and i'm trying so hard not to give in to my emotions and call him and say i'm sorry and can't we start over and try again?...it would be so easy...and he'd be so happy and i would hurt so much less...but I know i did the right thing....and so it's good i'm fighting these two urges at the same time...it's almost balancing me out

This has to be some kind of refining process...I trust that God is in control...but sometimes i jsut wanna say "No thanks God....i'll just stay ore if You dont mind terribly...this refining thing hurts too much"...but i want to be refined...i want the imperfections burnt off and the things that keep me from being like Jesus...i want to be pure gold...so that people can see Jesus reflection in me...
God is faithful...He has a plan...His love never ends...I need to remember...can't afford to forget...I'm claiming this hymn:

O spread the tidings 'round, wherever man is found,
Wherever human hearts and human woes abound;
Let ev'ry Christian tongue proclaim the joyful sound:
The Comforter has come!

The Comforter has come, the Comforter has come!
The Holy Ghost from heav'n, the Father's promise giv'n;
O spread the tidings 'round, wherever man is found
The Comforter has come!

The long, long night is past, the morning breaks at last,
And hushed the dreadful wail and fury of the blast,
As o'er the golden hills the day advances fast!
The Comforter has come!

Lo, the great King of kings, with healing in His wings,
To ev'ry captive soul a full deliverance brings;
And through the vacant cells the song of triumph rings;
The Comforter has come!

O boundless love divine! How shall this tongue of mine
To wond'ring mortals tell the matchless grace divine
That I, a child of hell, should in His image shine!
The Comforter has come!

The Comforter Has Come -- Frank Bottome


God so has a sense of humor...i went out to see Chicago at the dollar theater with anna...i had heard it was good, but not a movie to go to with a boyfriend...i heard right...but being single has advantages, i decided at 630 to go to a 710 movie, didn't have to call anyone to tell where i'd be or ask if it was ok if we didnt' walk tonight...freedom that makes me feel like almost crying a bit...(still in the crying myself to sleep stage)...anyway we missed the first sex/murder scene...and didnt' mind too much at all!..then to cheddars for a cookie monster because anna's husband's more of a rootbeet float then warm chocolate chip cookie with chocolate sauce nuts and whipped cream...fine with me...they're too big to eat aloneand i got no one to split it with...i'm going to read this later and be amazed at all the refernces to me being single! oh well it's what's on my mind...anyway...on the way home we were behind a truck that looked like anna's husbands and so we were trying to figure out if it was (it wasn't) and making up rediculous stories about what he had done on our girls night on the town... so we called his cell phone to see if it relally was him he didnt answer os i left a silly message...after anna dropped me off i went up to my apartment and started to get ready fo rbed and anna called..i figured to tell me what ben had said about the message i left but no instead she said guess who's in my living room?..Kehb...talking to ben....i had prayed earlier this summer that the two of them would get to be friends...ben's not from around here and Kehb needed more peple in his life besides me and his roomate who is engaged so doesnt have lots of time always....i give up...but at least ben will talk to anna and anna will talk to me and i'll have some clue where he's at...even though i know he wants to date me again...start over...clean slate ...second chance...if he tries to feed me one more euphamism i'm going to scrrreeeam!!!!...ok i gotta be at work on time tomorrow....always bad to be late 2 days in a row....gona finish gettign ready for bed...g'night!
For almost a full year now (just short by 2 days) i have written all about my day, my feelings, my dreams...basically poured myself into an e-mail and sent it to Kehb almost nightly. Initially we were frinds and members of the same summer ministry team then we were friends with intrest in each other then we were waiting till the end of the semster with the understanding that we wourld start dating then he was my boyfriend (best i've done so far btw) and now he's my ex boyfriend. and yet, i like writing my day. brings closure. focus. points out things i had forgotten either on purpose or by accident. writing has always helped me think. and so at a time where my life is slightly off kilter i might as well try this web-journal thing. I'm a millenial child full out now...Sunday evening i made plans to e-mail a friend so we can set up a time to chat before he leaves the country for a semester...and now here i am typing my journal where any part of the world that cares can read. and i've always been a big fan of the written word, the solid feel of a book as you flip pages, the way a person's handwriting says so much about them in a letter...does this make me a hippocrite?

i am the princess of procrastination any one who knows me could tell you that, my friends, any of my old my roomates(they werent' always friends...a side, why cant i keep a roomate? this semester will be #4 and i'm only starting my second year! sheesh!), my teachers any of them would tell you...see how well i can put off typing about what i know i need to...i need to type aobut kehb to get it out of my system, and yet i ramble on...

We broke up on Thursday night...well it might have been friday morning...somewhere around midnight...over the phone (does that make me a bad person?) and acutally i did all the breaking up and he did all the asking for "one more chance" knowing all the while he had used up his last chance, and the one after that, and all the extra ones i had given him past that....not to say that he's a bad guy...but we had control issues...namely, both of us trying to control me. All the big things fit perfectly...i really do like him. He is a strong christian, our personalities matched, we like similar things, he played the guitar and talked to God, and played wih the 2&3 year old sunday school calss with me, i cant think of a thing on my list that he isnt. pardon the cliche: we were best friends. it was jsut the little stuff. But really it wasnt' the little stuff that sent me pverthe edge it was a pattern of his getting upset over them and trying to use my emotions to control meit was weird how he managed it though, he never told me what to do directly, he jsut let had a preference and it would hurt him if i were to do something else and if i didn't do what he had hinted at or even jsut expected me to know, he would get upset and his feelings hurt. then i'd get mad at him for being upset over stupid little stuff (like occcasionally wearing a ring a guy-friend brought me from thiland, or that i got the cartilage pierced up top my ear, or when i wanted to go out to lunch with guys from the office, or me going to my sister abi's HS graduation party the weekend of his birthday, or deciding to help a friend rearrange her furniture instead of goign on a walk with him) and we'd fight and he'd acuse me of being thoughtless and i'd apologise and give in. it jsut got to the point whre i couldnt stand living like that anymore...always worrying about what he would think of my decisions and making sure i got places on time and being certain to spend enough time with him. I just saw myslef a few years down the road not being myslef but being who he had decided i was.

My friends and family have told me i decided right but his friends tell him (and he is kind enough to pass the information on to me) that people can change and that all relationships have things to work through and you can make anythign work if you try hard enough. He says he realizes how wrong he was and he sees how good i really was to him, how much i put up with, and he's willing to change, to let me be myself. but i cant take him back. it would feel too much like the pattern that was before, he gets hurt, we argue, he promises to do better, i give in, all i sgood awhile and then it starts over. I know people argue but the pattern of heartache and beating my self up for giving in and not liking myself for hurting him--I jsut cant live like that...I am strong willed and free spirited, i like pretty things and hate pain (any kind: mine, others, physical, emotional) i know it exists. that's life. i'm not so naieve as to think life is perfect. i know otherwise, i've seen ugly and hurt but that doesnt mean i have to like it. and i dont have to subject myself to it!

...am i right?...i' m still in the mourning and self-doubt stage...i jsut need him to let me go...he still calls sometimes and he gave me a letter...5 pages! an apology and request for another chance and a promise to do better...i want to believe him and maybe a loooong time from now i'd try it but not the next week...not the next month...it's hard...i need chocolate icecream!