life is really starting to get to me. i am falling apart. i thought things were looking up the other day, but it turns out i was jsut overlooking things.
Today's funk is brought to you by the letter F the number 4 out of 12 and my failture to properly load my camera (or a scary possibility: the refusal of my camera to take pictures) leadign to a blank roll of film turned in for my second Photojournalism project. I can reshoot, but i cant get the same subject matter(which makes me sad, i like the pictures i "took" and was excited to see them). besides, i have little to no time to do it. I have a cover letter due tomorrow, OMS retreat this weekend, a research paper due monday and an exam Tusday that i am not prepared at all for plus over 300 pages of reading over 100 of that for the test tuesday.
so why am i blogging you may ask. I'll tell you it's because i feel like crying and i do not like Ernst Kerchner. and if i have to look at any more of his art or biographys for this paper i am going to meet the same end he did!!!!!!! i jsut need a break, i cant afford one and i wil ahve to take homework this weekend but such is life...
i'm holding on to the fact that this is my last semester. of course, then i have to find an apartment and a job but i am choosing not to deal with that right now.
I quit.


Shawshank Redemption

I am watching the Shawshank Redemption. I have a love-hate relationship with this movie. This is the only the second time I have watched it. First time was for my Writing for media class. I was in a room full of media majors. most had already seen it. I was not ready for it. I cried and hoped no one would notice (from the first night in the prison when the fat guy got beat to death until the end when "Hope is the best thing"). I don't do violence or blood, that is where the hate comes in. When that guy got shot, I almost passed out, I was just not expecting it. at all. and I didn't sleep well for a week.
so why, you may ask, am I watching it now. becasue I do enjoy an excellent story and that's where the love comes in. the way it's shaped, crafted. the foreshadowing, the subtleties of the story line, the way the characters are developed. I wish I could do that. I want to learn how. and so I watch to see how Stephen King and Frank Darabont did it. Because I want to do that. but I want to show real people. people doing real things. people really changing their worlds



my life is crazy busy. i got a D on my History exam today. i know this because i counted and i didn't know the answers to enough questions to get any higher than a C and i know i probably missed a few that i thought i did know. I simply did not study correctly, i knew all the concepts thouroughly and very few of the names of minor players(in my book anyone who's not a king or pope is probly minor). I have a sound job this evening and after i get back from that i have 3 pages of a journal due tomorrow by 8am, a paper about my unitarian experience, and cut lines and analysis of my photo journalism project.
i am longing jsut to go to the library i dream about havign one day (that i know will never happen). absolutey lined floor to cieling with old books (no melville in the whole place) all calm and trimmed in dark wood with a fireplace and a mantle with family pictures on it in simple brass frames and old comfy leather chairs, and a globe on a stand, and a dictionary on a podium, and a roll away desk. My library has big heavy doors that shut the world out, there isnt a computer or a phone or anything like that. I would go in there, just me and an old book in a chair that is absolutely shaped to my body. There would be a fire in the fireplace and i would just sit and read and escape somewhere exotic untill all the stress knots jsut disappeared from my shoulders and i felt like facing the world again.


this picture WAS taken in athens

Stasi in Athens
Stasi in Athens,
originally uploaded by wbsercessa.
Me and my Olympic file cabinets. :)
in these cabinets are all the results and start lists from everything that happened at the olympics. not that it makes the picture any more impressive. honestly it really could have been taken in jsut about any office. I was there though. and i got to be in the IBC and i was in olympic stadium. and I was in ATHENS how great is that?!? next post will include a picture of me by some ruins to prove that i was really there.

how do i feel about the steelers

i am a steelers fan. the end. period. i am not a bandwagoner. I cheer even when they loose every game for an entire season, and i still hold out hope that "they'll win this one" i am a hardcore black and gold through and through FAN. My grandmother is the sort who throws pillows and screams at the TV and every game is on in my house during football season. It's in my genes. all the same i hate when they loose and i hate them for losing ruins my afternoon. so do i hate them? or do i love them? or does it not matter at all?


How Stasi Got To Athens

i realized that i didnt ever tell y'all how cool Jesus is and how i got to the olympics. and i want to Because it is all so col the way everything worked out. back in the spring when i found out that i was not chosen to go to greece i was a bit upse, but I decided to be positive aobut it and jsut accept that God had a differnet plan for me. and since it was his plan it was bound to be better than anyplan i could come up with. so i told god that i was up for whatever adventure he had in store for me and i would trust him that his plan was better. i was also honest wiht Him and said how i was disapointed and couldnt really imagine anthign better than Athens.
But then i got to work at camp Allegheny and toward the end of the summer i got to the point where i was talking to someone about camp and how much i learned about myslef and God and Media and the experience i got in exactly what i want to do with my life.
So then...the last break i had from camp was jsut one day long and the plan was to sleep in and then go Tandem biking with my sisters and my camp roomate Michele and our friend Bo who came home with me. but when you tell God he can take you on an adventure, he often changes the plans you make.
I woke up to the phone ringing and it was for me and it was Dr. owens and he was in Athens and said there was a job open adn would i like it. I was in 800 shades of shock and All the time Abi and Ami are goign who is it who is it who is it and what do they want and i was jsut in such shock that i couldnt even tell them who it was but anyway i told him that i would talk to my parents and think aobut it and e-mail him what i decided. and then i screamed and jumped all up and down the steps :)
so there were lots of things that God worked out. the first was me not getting the Job in the first place, cause then i wouldnt have worked at camp cause the people who got hired last semester went a week or two before and that overlapped the last 2 (busiest) weeks of camp. as it turned out, i left straight from camp to get on a plane to Athens.
and then there was the timing of the call. if he had called a day earlier or 45 minutes later i would not have been home. that was the only day i was home almost the entire month before i had to leave. if i had been at camp who knows wether he could have gotten hold of me. and even if he had, there would be almost no way that all the stuff that needed done would have gotten done as i was i left 10 days after i got the call i didn't go biking that afternon and my mom didnt do any of the errandsshe was planning on and drove me all around getting stuff that i would need like film and plane tickets and i had that day to call people who needed to be told, like Brian and
And i have the most amazing parents EVER! When i was a baby my parents gave me to God and told Him he could take me anywhere in the world He wanted to use me and they wouldnt stand in the way. That has been one of the great blessings in my life. when i called my dad at work to ask if he thought i could go his response to his little girl saying "dr. owens offered me a job in Greece!" was "GREAT when do you leave" Both my parents said youd be an idiot not to take advntage of what is so obviously a "God thing" and my MOM (amazing woman that she is) spent the week doing so much stuff paperwork and logistic-wise liek travelers checks and tax forms so that i could go. there's no way i could have done all that the last week of camp
and I already had my passport from my Chile trip Sr. year of HS,
and My minion stopped by to say hi and i got to tell him in person that i would be missing his eagle Scout Banquet
and my mom's work schedule was changed from tuesday to thursday without her being asked so it worked out that she could take me to the airport.
So God is Cool and it turns out that He did have somethign better in store for me. but that something better wasn't something else, it was something MORE. and the lessons i learned were priceless both at camp and in athens. now that i am done with both and looking back i can see how much i needed both of those experiences and how they built on each other and how incomplete my lesson would have been.


been awhile

i dont really have anyhting to say. there is nothing more annoying than blogs that have nothing to say.
i'm a tad overwhelmed with school and all. i have very little time and what time i have to actually do work, i seem to fritter away. i just feel liek i'm in a bit of a fog it's like reverse culture shock and heartbreak and a general funk all at the same time. point in case: the guys i ran sound with tonight must think i'm a total ditz without a sound clue! my head was all over the place. anywhere but hughes, but in spite of it all, i think it ended up sounding pretty darn good. and 3.5 hours of work is ussuallly a good deal. and BTW the sound closet no longer smells so much like boy cologne. it's quite sad. so that's that.
i'm going to bed. even though lately i've been having trouble falling asleep, it is kinda nice to lay in bed and totally quit for the day an hug my teddybear and snuggle under my blankets. it gets frustrating after awhile the whole laying staring at the cieling cause i normally fall asleep anywhere really quickly it's something i've been proud of for years. but oh well. i haave to start trying soon or it will be time to get up before i fall asleep(hyperbole - dont worry over me too much, it only usually takes an hour or two)



To Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided, I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good.I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children. I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.
I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
I want to be six again.


Professor Jack Rains

i know you prolly would rather see pictures of Greece and hear stores aobut how i caught taxi's after midnight but today i ran sound for a memorial service for Jack Rains. Now, i disnt know jack rains, but after sitting in his memorial service and hearing everyone talk aobut how great he was i wish i had been able to know him. He must have been an amazing man from waht i could tell full of all sorts of endearing excentricities and passion for living and Jesus. from what they said he loved people and made a difference in the lives of so many of them he was a talented musician and the music programs at two differnt colleges wouldnt be the same without him. and people traveled from California to come to his memorial service. and it made me get all reflective and stuff, i hope that people will be able to say things like that about me after i am dead. would anyone say that i made a difference in their life? could i ever even dare to hope that someone would remember my weirdnesses fondly as eccentricities? would people say that they saw Jesus in me every day? I say when people ask me what the big picture goal of my life is that i want to be used by Jesus to make a difference in the world. but really what do i do on a daily basis to work toward that goal? Pretty much i need to get my Butt in gear, cause you never know how much time there really is left here and what if i miss my chance and what if i'm so busy preparing for the future that i miss the present. i want to leave a legacy like Jack Rains minus al lthe jokes about loud sports coats and narcolepsy :)


Athens 2004

Athens 2004
Athens 2004,
originally uploaded by wbsercessa.
Look! I finally figured out how to share my pictures with youall. To see it bigger, you can just click on it. This is the lobby of the IBC, where i was "grounded" the first part of the games :) There was a whole big issue with getting me accreditated. While i was in the IBC, i worked in the information office with print distribution. that menat that i put the result and start lists for all the events out in pidgeonholes/cubbies so that the broadcasters could pick them up. also i helped distribute the news bulletins and flashes to the studios of the 180 right-holding broadcasters. this involved stapling and Xeroxing and running about. also there were times of sitting and doing nothing and faxing and other odd sorts of stuff that i learned has to all happen behind the scenes for somethign as big as the Olympics to happen.
I admit i had some attitude issues when everythign didnt work out like i planned, but looking back, i have ahard time being negative because i realize (now that i'm outside the situation) how awesome it really was, i mean, I was in ATHENS for the OLYMPICS! and the way everything worked out i know that's where God wanted me. so how can i complain?
pictures may soon appear :)


some people

so there are days where I jsut barely pull it together. I got to classes and work ontime and looked ok, but the reality is i rolled out of bed grabbed a shirt and jeans out of my closet and braided my hair instead of brushing it no time for breakfast or makeup. and the fact that the ribbon i ofund in the pocket of my pants matched my outfit was jsut a serendipity (well odds were good since a lot of blue finds it's way into my wardrobe) and i jsut barely got waht needed done. and i was teetering on the edge of an overwhelmed breakdown all day.
and then there are people who all match and everything. not a hair out of place and their hair ribbon matches their shoes that coordinate perfectly with their outfit that you know was laid out the night before and probably they're wearing matching underwear! and their makeup is all nice and fresh looking even though it's 3 int he afternoon adn even if I had put on makeup it woudl be a mess by that point int he day. and I jsut felt inferior even while I was explaining that the reason teh speakers dint work was beause the cable was plugged into the wrong place. in spite of the fact that i was the one who knew what was going on didnt do anyhtign to help me feel any more put together. sigh
I hate people liek taht
and i refuse to use the spell check button.


extrordinarily personal

i have to type this out. it will makes me feel better but if you dont want to take a painful look into my broken heart jsut stop here. in fact i might prefer that you did

so to answer the question i posed a few days ago, when you breeak up with the guy you call and cry to when you break up with guys, you cry by yourself after the lights are out. and you agonize over what to say becasue you're NOT ok. you know you will be eventaully and maybe you can go back some day to the way things were before but im not htere yet( like how i swihced persons? Dr hurlow would have a fit!) i am still trying to give myself permisison to admit that i'm hurt absolutely brokenhearted. i was thinking about this for awhile before we got the chance to talk it out and decide. it doenst seem to have made it any easier. and that i still like him but i now we cant be the way either of us deserves only makes it infinately harder. peopel jsut dont get it a lot they think since it was a mutual decision and all that i should be able to jsut turn my feelings off like i made my logical decision. that is bologna. but so far i've had my facade up and people cant tell how much i hurt so sometimes they are a bit cavalier about the whole thing but i cant hold it against them too much i mean it's my facade i put tit here, i'm keeping them from seeing how hurting my heart is.
tonight i IM'd my darling minion who in a bit of role rversal is totally happy and stable and i'm the emotional wreck. he is wonderful. let me vent then said(typed) all the heartfelt cliches i needed ot hear(read) my heart still aches but i feel better. THANK YOU Matthew.

camp allegheny hip hip hurrah

I have so much to write. to catch up any one who cares:) so i'm going back to the first thing y'all missed out on hearing about: camp allegheny.
I was the AV tech. i learned a lot about myself and God and media stuff. i learned most of it by beign thrown into it. "look, here's the video room and the sound closet here is a ring of keys good luck figuring out which is which" needless to say, camp was a bit frustrating at times, i got a lot of last minute requests and a lot of out of control moments. and i learned overall that God is in Control. God and I we fight over who' sgonna be in control. come to think of it, I do all the fighting. and God is just there, a constant on my life wating for me to ask His help with whatever it is that i'm struggling with trying to do on my own.
Camp was also very fun. I went down the water slide in my skirt after i spent an hour that morning trying to look good casue Brian was coming (why did i even try he's seen me in a band uniform there can be no impressing him. of course i jsut wanted to make him feel liek he was special. he is but not special enough to pass up the chance to go down the slip and slid ein my skirt.) and there was the Sleeping bag thing that ended with mrs. gully Ryan and I in the creek (again i was wearing a skirt and a shirt that unfortunately was better off dry) pushing a rowboat full of sleeping bags after a muddy adventure to get them from teh shed to where we parked the boat. and there was rolling down hills and greasy watermellon water polo and so much fun that i cante ven begin to describe it. there were costumes and carnivals and pirates and Lord of the Rings and worship that would blow your socks off. not jsut the music time but really living life as worship.
It was sooo cool. cmp is awesome. i love camp. I have the videos i made. if youre ever in Kresge third west feel welcome to come and watch as much as you want. Room 321

now i'm going to take a nap, i had a long first day of classes and i want some sleep before i tackle what all has to be done....hundreds of pages of reading


"home" again

so now i'm a different "home": Asbury. Yay for Asbury and my roomate (who doesnt know i am using her new laptop) and my suitemate(yay for only 3 people in a 5 person suite!!) and all the other great peopel i've gotten to see so far. i got some strange looks cause i'm moving in after the second full week of classes. oh well, i'm ok with it.
today was rough. ive never driven that far, my butt is so bruised from biking 20 miles yesterday (literally i have bruises!) oh and my spedometers broke so i had no clue how fast i was going, i decided to gage my speed off this one van, and i'm sure they thought i was crazy but they were going about the speed i was omfortable doing so i jsut kinda pretended that i was traveling with them. but i didnt almost die till i was on harrodsburg road. darn brake slammers and boy is that cat is lucky it's still alive!! so once i go there i found out that traveling south in the afternoon has the effect of sunburning my left arm funky. love it
life will get crazy here shortly. i'm gonna have to finish getting all settled in tonight and tomorrow, cause tuesday, i get thrown straight in. oh dear. that's all i have to say, oh dear. nothing is unpacked yet except my car. and i have to get a parkign permit and check in with the RD and...and..and...i'm a tad bit overwhelmed


back home

praise the lord for home! ok so i'm in mars finally for those of you who dont know i got to go to the olympics in athens after all!!! it was amazing, i'll write more about that and camp later. and i'll scan in pictures when i get the chance so that you can get to them online probably. not that they're worth much to look at but i love pictures almost as much as i love mail.
i've been online waaaay too long tying up the phoneline. updates on everythign are promised as soon as i get settled in back at school next week.
in the meantime an only partway rhetorical question for you: what do you do when you break up with the guy you always call and cry to when you break up with guys?