painting by Gwen Meharg. I got it from her website Draw near to God

well i'm trying this out for abi...seeing if i can post a picture using the top bar...turns out i can...
aside from that functional purpose, this picture is a glimpse of where i am....it's beautiful and mysterious and full of promise and full of One i cannot see but trust...but i'm so small....and someitmes i feel insignificant in light of the big picture...and sometimes i feel very alone. other times i see the beauty of everything around me and the blessings that i'm so unworthy of. and i'm blown away by the fact that God chose to put me in the picture at all

who's fault is it?

i was hurt last night...deeply wounded by someone from whom i should have seen it coming....i have been in denial to this point as to her nature as a consistently thoughtless and often mean spirited person....and i cant decide if i should be mad at myself for not seeing it coming sooner...i should have had a thicker wall built towards her or at least a sharp retort ready to shoot back...and was i too sensitive....did i misinterpret what she meant....am i dwelling on it too much...well at any rate that's why i have this thing...to get that sort of thing out.....
and maybe i want to be mad at the other people in the room....becasue no one said anything....of course they all had reasons....the foremost probably being that since it wasnt their most vulnerable spot she hit, they probably didnt realize just how deep that wound would get....but those guys know me pretty well...do i hide my deepest fears that deep, that well that tehy really couldnt tell....i cant blame them i guess it was a offhand comment that jsut happened to hit deep when no one was looking....

and i know that she doesnt know me that well....she gust got in a lucky shot.....but really i want to be mad at her....for being a snot.....among a myriad of other things that i jsut wont go into becasue i dont want to go to her level...and for that reason i'm going to drop this and let the wound heal over...casue tha's how God designed us..to be tough and to heal...but i have learned my lesson...next time i'll keep my defenses up....

Much thanks to Alison from the third west whom i love
Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

PS....puppy pics are up just click the my pictures link to the right....also Ami has some on her flikr account too

cryptic....

i have a puppy sleeping in my lap...i'm kicking myslef(that is unrelated to dixi, pictures are up btw...link to the right)....the puppy is keeping me sane......i'm in no state of mind to be writing this....i would like to not get out of bed tomorrow....i'm scheduled for 12.5 hours....this will not be fun...add to that that i'm still up and it's almost midnigh....not a happy camper....and yet, oddly elated and hopeful...for reasons related to the kicking of myslef....

a puppy!!

Alex and my dad got a dog(my mom and i have her too but she really belongs to those two)....

she's a rat terrier...not becasue she looks like one but because we hope she will catch moles when she grows up....she is tiny and black all over except her toes and chin and shes deadly cute....her name is Dixi....the Disciplemaking Ministries Committee(DMC) voted on it at their meeting last night where teh puppy was in attendance....walking on the table i hear...wriggling her way into the hearts of the most hardened of ministry volunteers:) (i promise that is not commentary on MAC church leadership)

she wont stay in her basket...she prefers the dirty laundry on my parents bedroom floor....she cries and cries....after i got off the phone with Micah last night i went down to get a drink form the kitchen and she was not in her basket.....she was sleeping with my dad on teh couch....last night she woke me up crying at 130....so we played for a half hour before i put her back in her basket with another basket on top to keep her in....it did not work that well...mom found her in the laundry this morning....

I'll take a picture this evening when she gets home from meeting ami for lunch....this dog gets around...shes almost never home....first the DMC meeting then to visit seelbaughs and today out for lunch...sheesh....she has more of a life than me and she's only 8 weeks old!!

norhtern Ireland

i would like to say that Slovakia is safe. when i'm living in Presov i will be as safe as if i was in Pittsburgh. Slovakia split fromt he czech Republic in 1993 in what is commoly refered to as the Velvet Divorce...sounds rough huh?
Belfast on the other hand is wrapped up in century old fueds and riots. and Kristen is in the middle of it...suddenly i'm interested in Northern Ireland Politics...

reflective ramblings stream of concoiusness

Kristen is missing things....and KT is smiling....and i miss knowing why...all the ins and outs and details and a hammock at the center of it all....i miss college life....i have of course conveniently forgotten all the annoyng people and hall meetings and dumb chapel speekers and tests and papers and I am jsut remembering community and laughter and late-night runs to walmart for canned air and Orange juice stopping at wendy's for fries and frostys and the "hammock Rule" and the "after midnight rule" applied with reckless abandon at 3 in the afternoon :)
in other news, i'm fundraising....i'm scared still by this....and when scared i tend to procrastinate.....i love telling the story....of how i got here and where God's taking me...but then at the end i have to ask for money....and no matter how i try and paint it as joining a team or sharing my adventure...in the end i still feel like i'm askign for money....i know all the platitudes and all that, but still it's uncomfortable...ok ok ok Art says to call it stretching and embrace it....i'm trying...keep praying
further down on to the gossip column another one bites the dust and Micah is the only havener Boyfriend left....there shall be more square dancing this weekend....i like him....i'm done
the end

can you see me?

i think i'm loosing it

i'm seriously conidering kniting myself a bikini

what do you think?

click for a picture (and the directions; in case you think that it's such a good idea that we should make matching ones!!..how bizarre would that be!! yet fun.)

new favorite saying

it's from Japan....it means to let your hair down....except they say "to remove the wall paneling"!!

how cool is that!!!

anyone who wants to remove wall paneling, gimme a call!!!

i need more sleep....or better sleep....or more emotional stability....can you tell?

aaaaaaaaaaaah

i have become what i occasionally am annoyed by: an online-are-we-friends-survey participant!!
I am interested to see if anyone will do this though...
feel free to skip questions if you feel lazy or if they are dumb...or you could always add them if you feel adventurous!!....but dont skip the name one...that'd be cheating...since it's my blog and my annoying survey I make the rules!! just copy and paste and put in the comments!
here goes:

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you miss me?
33. Do you think i miss you?
34. Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you?

isnt that a weird number of questions?! kinda fitting though...i did delete the one that asked if we had ever had sex....that would have made 35....but it was a pointless waste of pixels! and 35 is still a weird number!!

happy birthday my KTMato!!

in honor of her turning 23,
i thought about writing an entry to tell you all how wonderful and encouraging and generally amazing my roomate is....(you know, she'll always be my roomate even though sadly we currently reside in different states)....and i believe she will change the world.
but i dont imagine anyone reading this will actually care...so instead, i'm going to call her....if you would like to hear me rave about how great she is, gimme a call, i'd be more than willing to tell story after story:)

just in case you weren't convinced of my crazy

Today is a good day to get a potted plant for your office.
Tomorrow will be a good day to name it "Throckmorton."
(The plant, not the office.
Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office.
"Wiggins" is a good solid name for your office, if it doesn't already have one.)

look just pretend you didnt read this

i've gone beyond dont comment....
i'm reading this book....it's not that bad of a book....i kind alike it....not that it will so me any good....but because of it i know that i'm supposed to think positive things and talk back to the negative things i'm thinking....but i cant do tht right now....the fact of the matter is that no matter what i or anyone else says to me, i am a looser, and a screw-up and an idiot....i finally got my butt into enough gear to try and tackle my need for health insurance...remember me, the weak looser with the heart condition?...i NEED health insurance....I should have dealt with this back in April...i knew it was important....I really wasnt that bad back in April (see intelectually i havetn lost sight of the fact that these spell though rarely lasting this long have a beginning and end i jsut dotn feel like it now) so there is no excuse...heck theres no excuse now for my inability to motivate myself not to spend 3 hours more than i planned in bed......or to do anything for that matter...i hae to talk myslef into every little thing that i dont have someone standing over me...but now i missed the enrollment period...so i have no health isnurance....and i wasted all that time last night and the night before trying to get this all setup.....and i cant deal with it anyway.....not only was i not able to sort through the paperwork myslef, abi had to help me, but i am too dumb to do it in time i hate this about me why cant i do things right? i mean it was simple to do but i still needed my little sisters help and ti still reduced me to a crying heap on the living room floor and and now i have screwed up and i dont have coverage and i cant do anyhting aout it and i just know i'm goign to get sick or hurta nd then i'll have tons of bills that i wont be able to afford and i wont get to go to Slovakia but why would they want me anyway...so there...hows that for real...dont ask me how i'm doing...i've been lying for the past month

i feel you sister

that was for KT who forbade me to leave a comment...so i'm writing a commiserating blog instead...i'm having a depresive day...i'm not sure why....i had a pretty good weekend...scratch that i had an excelent weekend...micah came and we kayacked and ate a picnic on the lake...literally on the lake...like still in the boat...and climbed a big....make that a HUGE pile of rocks...and plyayed on a playgrond and occupied the porch swing...so why the second after he left did i jsut feel leik crap...really i had time to do stuff and instead i jsut went to bed...at like 730....got back up at like 900 when my parents came home..had the micah conversation and the youre not eating enough so now were going to hover over you and nag conversation....at any rate then today nothing at work went right...i overslept..barely made it on time and had to spend all morning up to my eyeteeth in chemical changes...in spite of the growing number of rolls of film piling up and i was tryign to train mike today some...if he hadnt been there i would have died...a door fell on me...same one that has cut me three times...and he took care of the incoming rush for the most part...but i'm ready to be done there...i dont want to be doing that forever...i want to have regular hours...or at least predictable ones...i want to be able to motivate myself...i want to be able to let someone help me...the fact is though that i dont want to need help...i want to be ok like i am on my good days...yup, we're having bad days folks...pretending pretty well for the time being....most of the time anyway....as much as i love her and want my KT to be OK..in a twisted way it's nice not to be alone in my frustrating mood...dont worry bout me, i'm not worth it and i'll get over myself shortly

pittsburgh

pittsburgh
Originally uploaded by wbsercessa.

Micah and Jimmy came to Mars for the weekend of the 4th...it was a great fiasco getting them here...Jimmy's flight got canceled but we didnt get that information to Micah before he left home so he was sitting at the Akron Airport looking for jimmy whose last name he forgot and jimmy was stranded in philly looking for a flight to western PA...but eventually everyone made it to mars :)
we went into pittsburgh on saturday and took int eh History center, met up with Baird, Anna, Schwartz & Sawa at Primantis...the service almost killed poor jimmy then we went and hung out in the park...split up Baz and I and our guys did the incline Baird Anna Schwartz & Sawa went elsewhere but Micah and I met up withthem in Bairds pool later that evening...sunday was church and relaxing and Micah left...Jimmy stayed nad did the 4th in mars...i took over 100 pictures...i've posted some of them....the end...i must go do somethign productive now...like leave for work in 45 minutes...have a great day!

6009

it is bad e-mail ettiquite to send a 6009KB msg to someone unsolicited...that is all i am going to say aobut hte subject line...though you my loyal readers (ha) may be glad he did cause now i am waiting for it to finish loading so my e-mails i wrote will send...and out of it all, you get a post!
i took 6 rolls of film this weekend....Jimmy & micah came to mars...yay...it was fun...if i had a decent internet connection i would upload some of my pics to Flikr...i will keep trying...some are cute...the ones with micah in them at least :) it's kinda weird...abi told jimmy that he's different from everyone else i've dated so she thinks it'll be over in short order or last a good long time...oh one or the other...she's right about the different thing though...like none else...what am i doing...he was playing with these kids at church sunday night...he had a stick (somehow he always ends up with a stick...even if he has to pull it off of fort necessity...jsut another thing that makes him unlike any other) and the kids wanted it....5 or 6 little boys puling with allt hey had and micah is just holding on with one hand...it took ashley tickling him and the stick breaking for the boys to get it...it was hot. yeah so what if i'm biased...he stopped reading this...cause i write aobut him some times and he felt like he was prying....at least i think he stopped reading this...oh well i only put htings here i want to be found out anyway...
its a weird sort of passive way of yelling from the rooftops....
its probably comprable to yelling from the rooftoops but speaking yiddish...or maybe not:) ok now im jsut rambling
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
update on Slovakia...no movement. i am frustrated with myslef...of course all that does is mess with me more....i feel like i have reached an impasse (i like the word impasse) i can not get anyone to tell me with any degree of certainty what i will be doing once i arrive in Slovakia...this is bothersome to me....also it puts a crimp in myfundraising efforts cause peopel wnat to know what i'll be doing...i guess i could make something up but i feel abad doing that...i'm supposed to be gettting a CD in the mail but it was to have been sent over a week ago though....no sign of it yet.....pray that i get motivated wether i get the information i need
OYE FINALLY...ok going to do some stuff...
Alex tells me that supersoaker was supposed to be a company to make toilet bowl cleaners.....i'm not sure how i feel aobut this....but i think i believe him
send me an e-mail or leave a msg or call if youre around maybe we'll do something sometime

It's Kristen's Fault

But I love her

i have this scratch

it's on my forehead...this kamakazie insect flew at my face and since it was late i swatted repeatedly and wildly...the rueslt is a red mark on my forehead tha i hpoe will go away before morning...the end

your bi-montly update

so i've turned into a bi monthly blogger it seems...i'll try harder...maybe...did you miss me?
well a fair deal happened since last time....i jsut dont remember it all...
well i went to Indiana...a tad on the fustrating side at times but good nontheless...the fundraising shall commence in short order....i'm going folks...does this weird anyone else out?
sigh..i have run out of motivation to write anythign more...e-mila or call with specific questions..
i will say this though...last night micah came down and we wnet out...i was very hot having nothing to do with the temperature outside...we ate at the olive garden went miniature golfing got ice cream at the place that is painted like a cow and sat on my back porch swing....the chiken marsala was good, the company was better, my mouth had a good night