10.19.2005

who's fault is it?

i was hurt last night...deeply wounded by someone from whom i should have seen it coming....i have been in denial to this point as to her nature as a consistently thoughtless and often mean spirited person....and i cant decide if i should be mad at myself for not seeing it coming sooner...i should have had a thicker wall built towards her or at least a sharp retort ready to shoot back...and was i too sensitive....did i misinterpret what she meant....am i dwelling on it too much...well at any rate that's why i have this thing...to get that sort of thing out.....
and maybe i want to be mad at the other people in the room....becasue no one said anything....of course they all had reasons....the foremost probably being that since it wasnt their most vulnerable spot she hit, they probably didnt realize just how deep that wound would get....but those guys know me pretty well...do i hide my deepest fears that deep, that well that tehy really couldnt tell....i cant blame them i guess it was a offhand comment that jsut happened to hit deep when no one was looking....
and i know that she doesnt know me that well....she gust got in a lucky shot.....but really i want to be mad at her....for being a snot.....among a myriad of other things that i jsut wont go into becasue i dont want to go to her level...and for that reason i'm going to drop this and let the wound heal over...casue tha's how God designed us..to be tough and to heal...but i have learned my lesson...next time i'll keep my defenses up....