my roomate...she will be my roomate forever till one of us finds a permanent one(i.e.male) ...anyway, she's a smart insightful person. She understands dreams. not liek she can interpret and predict years of famine from cows eating each other, but liekthe kind you dream with your eyes wide open the kind that ignite your passions and make you want to stop what youre doing and do that thing. I struggel at times with a weird form of dream elitism. you see, i want to change the world, and i cant understand people who dont. i understand that this is a problem but look what my insightful wonderful roomate had to say in ehr blog:

Can dreams be too small?
I've been thinking alot about dreams recently.
More specifically i've been thinking about the size of dreams.
Some people think that you can dream to small.
I disagree I don't think you can dream too big nor too small.
A dream is your hearts desire and how can that be measured?
For example, if your dream is to work at starbucks for a time
and that dream makes you come alive and gives you a charge
How is that too be small?
If something that makes you come alive and
something that you are passionate about
how can that be too small?
Don't get me wrong...
I do think you can not live up to your potential.
If you want to work at starbucks because
you are afraid of what your heart is telling you well that's just silly
Listen to your heart


Preach it Sister!

Man, That DJ made my day!

Today is beautiful. The sun is shining and even though there’s snow on the ground the air isn’t that cold. I worked my favorite shift 7-330. so that when I got off work the sun was still out. So I rolled my windows down, put my hat on (it’s not that warm yet:) and turned up the bass. There is nothing that makes me feel better than sunshine, the windows down and the radio up! Today’s bass of choice was Trancefusions, a CD my un-official Brother mixed. It’s really a neat thing that he does…that whole DJ thing, who’dve thought that back in 11th grade:) anyway it’s the song that says I’m aliiiiiiive! Over and over and then theres this really upbeat/intense part that if you don’t want to dance to that you must be dead!
I need that today…there’s some rough stuff going on in other’s lives that I’m listening to and trying to just be support…pray for me and for them…I am not giving details it’s not my place….it’s been a rough week, but this afternoon, MAN, THAT DJ MADE MY DAY!!

random thoughts

my schedule is obscenely off kilter. today i slept till 930AM went to work at 11AM worked till 740PM (thanks Jessica*biting sarcasm*) went to Bible study after that and then came home at like 9 had pasta and a pork chop (i was hungry for pasta at 9 PM folks!) it's midnight and i'm not tired...being sick and work and bad decisions and other things out of my control have thrown me so far off...i'm on College time again...why am i not tired at normal times....why dont i eat at normal times....why am i turnign into a light sleeper?!.....i'm obsessing i know...

btw i think i might be a fan. i'm not ready to talk aobut it...jsut yet....but yeah.

also, my fanness does not extend to my job. it is a job. they pay me. i work with a bunch of crazies. not a weird as the ones my mom works with, but still either crazy or bitter or i'm not sure i even have a word for what..... but it is work and it is nice to be working. i need new kahki pants. i sat in something last night. the stain and i are fighting it out. the stain is winning. I wore ami's pants today. we have differnt size butts. that's all on the topic of my butt. praise the Lord i do not work tomorrow

on another random note, love hurts. i'm not talkign romance here. i'm talking love. like the i'm commited to you for the rest of my life. you are my friend and i love you no matter what you do, and sometimes that means that i have to say or do what's right even though you dont want me to. and that means that you have the power to hurt me like no one else in the world. but i will still love you

and on names. i like them. i like different ones. i like ones with meaning. i love mine. 'Resurection Full of Grace Keeper of a safe place" it's liek celebrating Easter anytime someone says my name!!

contrastingly, why do my doodles look like hell? literally. like flames. i used to doodle flowers and swirleys. i dont mean it to be flames, but it does look like it.

a thought i have had in the past and stole from some Asburians Xanga "Why is it that girls in Christian colleges dress like something on the dessert menu but get mad when a guy wants to place an order?" Screw your heads on ladies and fly right


AND WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AM I NOT TIRED... This is the Second Night in a Row!!

my my, look at the time

it is 3 in the AM. i do not know why i am up. i am now going to bed. i just thought you should know that my sleeping pattern has been all thrown off by work and sickness and other occurences beyond my control. good night.
oh, and if you talk to abi, her fish died, for real this time. be nice to her.

a date!

i went on a date tonight. My unofficial brother set us up. i had fun. there was food and ice skating and he can stand on skates by himslef. We were both wearing pink, his shirt was rasberry little plaid and it looked nice on him. my sweater was a lighter shade and i looked hot! (but they were BOTH PINK!!) we got to talk and i got to know him better. he has quite a sense of humor or sarcasm or something i enjoy it, but i jsut simply can NOT tell when hes serious...really, i DO know thoureau is dead but he's the English major, i....i dunno...he somehow made me doubt myself....ok i'm just dumb:), but i will eventually figure out how to tell when he's being serious and when he's being silly. i like him both ways, i would jsut like to figure out which is which. we talked about calling and dreams and hymns versus choruses and dynamite and the problems with kids these days...and there you go. i'm happy. it was more than worht all the driving. it woudl have been worth it even if he hadnt insisted on paying for my gas. again, i'm happy. life is good. Good night

Happy Valentines day

Yay for valentines day.*sarcasm* It was Noffy outside and I am grumpy.
I was wearing pink this morning. I was wearing makeup that would match a pink shirt. I was darn cute my ponytail had a little lace bow and my earrings were sparkly and my necklace was a heart. I looked good. I have to say it myself, no one else did.
I drove to Seven Fields for work. They told me to go back to Mars and wear a navy blue shirt. I drove back from whence I came and my makeup did not match my outfit anymore. I now looked ridiculous. I stood for 8 hours behind a counter in Mars next to an open door.….and HOW ON GOD”S GREEN EARTH am I supposed to know if they have shoe polish or where the dumb things that are advertised are. Why are people mean. I ache all over. I quit. I feel as though I have been hit by a truck. My family has this stomach flu. I have a mild case. I am still miserable. Today I’m going to shower and go to bed early after watching a movie with my sister & mom.

why cant i type the word "just", it always comes out "jsut"

jsut a quick thought. i can not claim this thought as my own. i will not link to the original blog that brought this problem to my attention as it is full of not nice things about people in specific and society in general and more than a few swear words. i do not want to promote it, i do not want to plagarize either. suffice to say the idea is not mine....but i like the idea and think that it should be brought to public attention!!
why arent encyclopedias getting bigger? the encyclopedia from 2004 in Asbury's Library is no bigger than the one from 1984 in my basement! "THEY" (whoever they may be) are leaving things out....history and new discoveries are made daily yet the most trusted compilation of facts and history is NOT GROWING!....one can only assume that information disappears every year. what important facts are we loosing?! and who gets to choose?!...WE THE PEOPLE should get a say in this matter...before important, valuable, and even trivial facts are lost forever!
write your congressman...and your librarian...and your publisher!!

(and then comment on my blog...not that it will change anyhting, i just like comments:)

JOBS

in case you were wondering which i know you are not, you'd rather read my rants or bizarre thoughts than boring details of my job search...but just in case you were wondering read on:
ok, so i'm an eckerd pharmacy employee. $6.25 at the front counter 35-38 hours a week. starting thursday. Sigh
also i heard from OMS Headquarters today i have a few more forms to fil out and send in a a few people to remind to send references.
and i saw an interesting opportunity with YFC that i'm looking into...if anyone knows anything about Slovakia let me know
AND i've gotten and am filling out an application for Samaratins purse.

I came to a point where my deisres crystalized adn i said, "Stas, why are you looking at churches. you want to do missions. DUH!" so we'll see

that's a bout it

getting off line now

pray for me and let me know how i can pray for you

an analogical rant

This is a rant. This is also an analogy.
OK, so if I walked into any church across America and said “I know that churches sometimes have a hard time getting volunteers. I just got this piano and I think I’d like to play for the services here…..no, I don’t really have any training, I just got it, but it’s not hard to make noise come out of it, besides, I like music and I think I can learn as I go!” Almost any pastor in just about any church would all but laugh at me no matter how well intentioned I was! Now, they might offer to help me find someone who gives lessons, but they sure would not let me play the piano for the hymns on Sunday morning based solely on the fact that I own a piano, and have the ability to make noise come out of it. They would also not think that I was less of a person because I can’t play the piano (except maybe for suggesting it) I have no desire to play the piano in church. Linda and Margie do an excellent job. They do an excellent job because they have had years of practice and training. And yes, every now and then, someone will come along and learn to play the piano beautifully without ever taking a lesson in their life. That is a gift from God.
This is an analogy about technology in churches. It is a relatively new thing that churches are doing. And in a number of cases, they are doing it poorly. Because it is easy to make a picture come up on a screen …. “look, how cool! I can change the color of text! Oooh, look at all this clip art, I’ll have to put a piece on every slide if I want to use it all….and look at this, I can insert a bible with pages that turn while people are trying to read the words to a song!…and look, I can make the title of this one fly in! how neat is that?!” Yeah, really neat. Look I can bang my forearm against the keys and make a sound! Look I can hit just the black keys…now just the white keys! One note at a time….ALL the notes at a time!! Just high ones now….now all the low ones…kinda sounds like jaws huh! This piano stuff is so cool!! Tone deaf people are all so glad it’s there. There are a few classically trained musicians over there wincing, but they’ll get over it. He’s SOOOO picky, can’t he see I’m doing my best. I’m not dumb I know how to make noise come out of a piano.

darn mathmeticians!

Did you know that yesterday was the most depressing day of the year. A bunch of nerds came up with some equation…I concur.
In good news I got a car. 1996 Chevy Cavalier Red, Pretty on the outside…not as nice inside, but still a good car. I fought with my dad about going to get it. It was a whole big ordeal about who would get Alex and re-scheduling meetings I hate that.
I had to go to the bank. You would think that with internet banking and all that stuff, you wouldn’t have a big problem cashing an out of state check. You would be wrong. You would also think that a bank teller would be able to help you navigate the confusing mess. You would be wrong about that too. AND i stink at dealing with people. i let them fluster me. i need to fix that. But once I got the money (I had to write myself a check from my KY bank, deposit it into my PA bank. Cash a check for everything in my PA account, and then withdraw the rest of the money from an ATM from my KY bank….somehow that was the easiest way to get $1900??!!)
So then, as we’re (finally) leaving, it starts to snow. So I’m flipping out that the first time I drive since my accident will be in a car that I don’t know on roads that I don’t know and it’s gonna be like a 50 minute drive. I tried to find someone to go with us but no one could last minute like that ( I ended up being ok)
Then we have to deal with all the stuff at the dealership (they were nice but it was stressful) and then on the drive home there was a misunderstanding about whether or not I needed gas in my car (as in my dad misunderstood, “yes, I will need gas”)
I picked up the mail on my way home from getting my car and got a rejection letter from the church in Texas…you know the one that I really wanted to work at...yeah that one. Once I got home, I got a summons and I owe the police $105 (which according to my state trooper uncle is apparently is the minimum fine…and the costs went up on Jan 1…good thing I totaled my car on new year’s eve!) and I now have a driving record SIGH!...
also, I was supposed to help my sister edit a video for her AP History class, but my Digital capture device wont work ( I cant figure out why) so they had to rethink their project and I helped them edit on the VCR (which I HATE HATE HATE doing!) it turned out OK I guess, (by my standards, It sucked!) so I was frustrated by that.
And then I was putting Alex to bed and he is having nightmares about the worm things off of the Wrath of Kahn (star trek movie) so we had to find a way to cover both his ears and still be comfortable…it took 45 flipping minutes to get him to sleep!! and I was ready for bed at like 600 yesterday
I think I’m getting sick. My throat is sore ….all this made me not want to get out of bed today….
…Also, I despair of ever being hired by anyone. kind of i jsut despair in general. come to mars and hug me.

The Throne Room

Have you ever had a dream that was so bizarre that you knew it was bizarre while you were dreaming it? Last night I did. It’s not so much what I dreamt that was bizarre; in fact I remember hardly any of my dreams last night. I only remember that I had three or four and through all of them I kept thinking “this is a nice dream, but all I want to do was get to the Throne Room.” In the throne room, I knew that I would find a Christ figure who for some weird dream world reason was Donald Trump. I had just barely gotten there when Ami came in to wake me up, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep so that I could get back into the throne room. I knew that there were things I should have heard in there and frankly, it was a wonderful feeling to just be there. In fact it was so real and so wonderful that even now, two and a half hours after I woke up, I still would like to go back.
Now you can go ahead and come up with all sorts of theories and ideas about why I dreamed what I did; The Apprentice, Donald’s upcoming wedding and the trilogy of allegorical novels I finished last night about dreamers (btw, I recommend Ted Dekker’s Green-Red-White trilogy unconditionally!!) any of those might be factors. Come to all the conclusions about my mental state that you want, but all I know, is that I spent all night last night trying to reach the throne room, and when I woke up I just wanted to go back. I spent all morning obsessing over this trying to figure it out, when my mom said something really profound, “Stas, imagine what it would be like to have that kind of desire for Jesus, to wake up and say, I just want to see Him. To spend your whole day thinking, ‘this is nice, but I really just want to see Jesus.’” THAT BLOWS MY MIND! And now I find that more than I want to go back to that throne room (which I still do that’s how real and vivid this dream was, I’m telling you it was freaky!) but more than I want to go back, I do want to meet with Jesus. So if you’ll excuse me, I am going to start my day again. And this time I’ll do it right.

things you should know

cars: it will prolly be a cavalier...and it will probly be monday. and then i'll be done with part of my searching. and out of the middle of the arguments....
Alex explained about ahving older sisters to his friend Brian: "all of them have boyfriends, I pick them"

I like Greg. He smells nice...i have a weakness for that scent. and for someone who cant tell a story to save his life (it's genetic) he does have a nice laugh

i want one

i am sad that my post about pole dancing got me no comments. i really would liek to try it, but really i posted it to get comments and got no takers.

i talked to like 8 people today who didnt want to hire me. it was depressing

I quit. (a rather ironic statement since i cant find anyone who will hire me)

so if you know about cars, lemme know...i'm looking at 2 right now
a 96 Cavalier with 140k miles and i'd get a 90 day warranty on the transmisison and engine. 2 door coupe no rust and it's red, i'd look hot in it
or a 91 Lumina with 82k miles no warranty, but the guy jsut replaced the transmission (used not refurbished) older but less miles....and maybe a bit cheaper, but no warranty. 4 doors also red, but i'd not look as cute in it.
e-mail or im me and let me know your thoughts.....

blind date

have you seen that show? the one where the TV producers set up a couple? it's funny. I like it. it is not good TV, and some times it is downright bad TV, but at 1100 on a weeknight, your options for mindnumbing are limited.
but anyway, it led to the thought of the night which i know it sounds weird, but that whole pole dancing thing, beside the sexual connotations naked immoral parts, it looks like fun. I would like to try it. dont think dirty things, it jsut looks like fun...
An aditional bonus thought: dating would be much more fun if those thought bubbles just popped up every so often. Even if we couldn't see them if you had the sound that ment "i'm thinking something about you that you will never know unless you make me mad and i have a good excuse to be rude!!" and if other people could read them that would be even better!! I would never be bored again, i would just go to restaurants on weekends and people watch!

prayer request

so if you read this thing, you know i totaled my car. boo hisss! but anyway, i'm in the process of looking for a new one since i cant do much other than babysti my brother for free without one. so if you would pray for me that i would be able to find a cheap car that runs. really that's all i need right now, prayer that i will find something that will run until i can get a job, pay off my school debt, and all that jazz.

dont insult January!

Last evening I was playing on a swingset in Mars with jsut a light jacket. It was up to 67 degrees. i kinda liked it. it was a wussy january though.Today there was snow on the ground when I woke up. It is supposed to be in the teens all day. That's what you get for insulting January.

a wussy january

the weather has been awful. it hads rained all week! today it stopped for a bit in the afternoon and the sun shone for all of about 45 seconds. My mom pointed it out to the boys (Alex's friend Michael was over today) and they looked out the window and were quite disappointed that she was right. All Alex had to say aobut the sun was "What kind of Wussy January is this!?"
Myself i wouldnt mind some snow, my ski trip was rescheduled for Late February, but who know's if i'll even still be around then!! i need to get more proactive....sigh

update

it's hard to find time around here...at the same time i have nothign but time...being at home is not killing me yet...i miss school though and everyone there. Answering to someone else about where i'm going and when is taking a lot of getting used to. Last night i had plans to go out With herman, butthen everyone else turned out to have plans too, so at home i was. Brian came over and thiis morning mom and i had a small discussion...i still dont see how having him here with Alex, and he left when alex went to bed, is significantly worse that us going out somewhere alone together....oh well. pray for me! i'm not sure how long i can continue to live at home. I'd liek to have an i'm an adult conversation with my mom, but i'm scared that will do more harm than good.
I spoke at the Alliance Women's meeting yesterday, that was fun. i got to tell my story, i love to tell stories!
People at church are trying to set me up, they keep picking not good people though. well i'm sure hes good people, but hes so much older,not cronologically as mych as emotionally. I'm not ready for that. I wasn't ready when Kehb was talking like that a few years ago, and i'm still not ready.

I got an e-mail from a church i applied to in Texas yesterday. They have recieved 85 applications/resumes and turned down 66 so far, my resume is still in consideration. so tha'ts the most exciting thing really.

today i'm babysittign and cleaning the church (audra hurt her knee), i'm keeping busy, and life is good. so that's the update.

the truth

how are you?...that's a question i'm hearing a lot....so here's the whole truth.....the things i will probly never tell you if you ask in person.....
my bruises are fading...the mark on my neck is almost gone....and Alex is home....but my heart still hurts.....and i still dont have much to say to God...."thank You and please make Alex all the way better and why do I still hurt and where were You?"....that's all i can think of to say....I know the truths....i jsut cant feel them now....and tha'ts me being real....
I will be ok but it'll just take time...but in the meantime, i wander around a mess of raging emotions....and i forget what i was doing....and i do escapist things rather than productive ones....and i annoy my mother...and i fight with my sister....and sometimes i find a quiet place to just cry...
so there....tha'ts how i'm doing.... inside, i'm struggling and questioning and hurting in ways i cant begin to explain...and that's the real truth....but on the outside i'm jsut gonna keep pretending...and eventually the hurt will leave

totalled and totally blessed

How on earth did I get to be so blessed. For my loyal readers (as if I really have any) I was in a car accident yesterday. I am ok…a persistent headache, a few bruises, and a stiff neck is all, well there’s also the hickey-looking mark on my neck from the seat belt…except I didn’t get any of the fun to go with it ;)
Alex was in my back seat and is currently on the 10th floor of Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh with a lacerated Kidney that should heal itself. We expect him to be coming home in a few days.
Ami was in the front seat and is feeling left out because she didn’t even get a single bruise, just a bit of a sore throat from the smoke that filled the car when the air bags went off.
I’m still processing. The deepest hurt I have comes from the voice in my head that kept saying “you killed your baby brother, your mom is going to hate you” I have pretty much gotten that out of my head now. But I still feel kinda bad; I mean Alex is in the hospital, I Was the one driving and even worse I am upset that my car is totaled. I’m upset that my pillow and the CD of chanting monks that helps me sleep are still in my car wherever it ended up getting towed to (I have no clue really where my car is I was mostly worried that my brothers face had no color more than what happened to my car at the time but now I’m plenty worried about my car too)…I have no income right now! How will I get a new car? How will I get a car without a job? How will I get a job without a car? And my insurance premiums are going to go through the roof ….I feel guilty for worrying about that kind of stuff while my brother has a tube up his nose and an IV in his arm.
But overall I am blessed. I hit a cement barrier instead of a guard rail and therefore didn’t go off a bridge. Everyone was buckled up. No one else hit my car after I lost control, and there were plenty of people behind me who could have. When we finally got stopped and out of the car there were two nurses and a ski patrol guy who had stopped to help and at least 4 people called 911 before I could even remember my name and how old I am.
Besides all of that I am surrounded by wonderful people. Abi has been amazing taking care of Ami and I. Making sure I don’t forget and take too much Tylenol, calming Ami down last night, and she made pancakes for us this morning. Katie and Kristen are both praying, their whole families too. And if I said I needed them I’m just about positive they would come and be with me if they at all could. Baird offered to drive my sisters and me into Pittsburgh to visit Alex tonight if we needed a ride and he said if I need to get anywhere to call him. Herman let me just talk to him for over 45 minutes and gave me dire warnings to take care of myself and he told me that it was all going to be all right, when he tells me that I always believe him. I forgot to call my minion so he just heard second hand at midnight that we needed prayer and he was so worried that he called to find out what happened and if everyone was ok. The Copes had us over for dinner so we didn’t have to worry about that. The phone has harldy stopped ringing all day; a number of people called to let us know that they were there if we need anything and even more called just to tell us they were praying. So overall I am blessed and God is good. I don’t understand why this happened, but like my dad says this didn’t surprise God. I sure do wish I could get a glimpse of his plan though.